Life of a Sorority Bachelor: Episode 21
It Was Something You Ate
After careful consideration for John Mayer’s dying alley cat vocal “technique” and 3am car alarms—I’ve decided that the most annoying sound award goes to one of my two lovely roomdames. Both have their shrill cackles with hints of “Dear lord, please fuck out my ear canals with a diaper pin” baby talk conversational style. But nothing among either roommates’ many audible offenses—NOTHING compares to the sound of Bra & Panty Roommate Number One eating. Even if all she’s wearing is a towel and all I’m wearing are earplugs. Okay, whatever. Maybe then.
For better appreciation of the physical/audible contrast, try to imagine a stunning mountaintop sunset while Gary Busey is screeching in your face as his son projectile vomits through a straw shoved up your nose. Sadly, no amount of modelesque appearance could ever mask the profound salivation and crunch expertise of Number One. Cows and third-world children with cleft palates got nothin’ on this smacking oral abuser. It’s a talent, really. One I hope never to witness from another woman for the rest of my life. It’s a lot like smelling my girlfriend’s first fart. Just the kind of reality check that shatters your belief in God with proof that her ass actually does what yours does. Hopefully not everything mine does because I really need her to keep shaving.
It occurs to me that this blog is public. Why else would a New York writer spend all weekend redesigning his site instead of having sex with any number of single—fuck me, its spring!—bitches? And with this public blog comes unsuspecting readership. Like… Number One and Two. So there is every likely chance that I’m directly offending and I’ll be perfectly honest. GOOD! Your manners fucking blow and nobody’s ever told you. Of course, I haven’t exactly told you either, but my manners somehow seem to have remained partially intact. Yeah, I don’t know how either.
You know what? While I’m offending, let me express my complete adoration for Number Two’s man thing. After fucking her docile over the weekend, his calming presence brought a touch of quiet to the apartment. My girls may never fully appreciate silent companionship, but for a few settled hours yesterday, this sorority bachelor pad was a little less unyielding. Then Number One began to devour a helpless salad.
TO BE CONTINUED… Read a new installment every Monday after a juicy week (and weekend) in the Life of a Sorority Bachelor.
April 20th, 2009 at 5:43 am
i never realized any man living with two hot young women could be so down on it……hahaha!!!!
cheer up boo take a vacation or somethign
xoxox
April 20th, 2009 at 6:31 am
I JUST LOVE THESE BLOG ENTRIES AND REALLY LOVE THE NEW SITE!!! IF THESE GIRLS ARE ANYTHING LIKE GARY BUSEY EVEN AT A DISTANCE THAT’S PRETTY SCARY
LOL!
April 20th, 2009 at 8:16 pm
You know you love us
xoxo
April 21st, 2009 at 2:46 am
The word “love” has been put on notice, likely to be erased from my vocabulary. But I suppose I don’t NOT love you silly bitches.
Now go clean something. Fuck!
April 21st, 2009 at 3:22 pm
HAHAHA!!!!
“Dear lord, please fuck out my ear canals with a diaper pin”